9 Months

 It's been 9 months since Cosmo crossed the rainbow bridge and my heart remains completely broken. 

After Cosmo passed away, I had a hard time being around other dogs, like I was terrified of them as I once was (when I was a child). But in the past month or so, I've slowly acknowledged the dogs around me and begun interacting with them again (petting, running around, etc.). Honestly, it is like they sense the profound grief I feel without Cosmo in my life and they are trying in any way they know how to keep a smile on my face.

8 Months

 It's been 8 months since I've heard the Cosmo drinking his water, of the "clatter" of his nails on the hardword floor, or him scratching his bed to fluff it just right so he could sleep. I miss all of his "cosmo-isms," his smile, his snuggles. I just miss his presence. I still wake up in the middle of the night and reach for him. When I realize he isn't there, I look to where his bed was on the floor. And then I realize, he's not here. Absolutely gut-wrenching.

Cosmo would have been proud of me. I got out to do a few more things this past month. I lived my best life at the Joan Jett, Poison, Motley Crue, and Def Leppard concert. I went to a Cubs game (haven't been to one in 3+ years), spent a few hours at the lake with Rachel, Auntie Linda, Uncle Fernando, and Jen, and back to Florida on business. All of this while managing NOT to get COVID (I'm convinced the mask is the reason for my continued health given this is not over).

I hope Cosmo, Jackson Hareing, FAQ, and Flopsy are having the time of their lives (because that very thought is one of the few things that puts a smile on my face these days). 

Happy Birthday, Cosmo

Today would have been Cosmo's 15th birthday. My wish for him today is that he has all the McDonald's French Fries, Chicken, Chips, and Cheese he desires. My wish would have been one more trip around the sun with my little guy, cozimoto, cozi, cosmopolitan, sweetie. I miss you, Cosmo.

Let's throw it back to Cosmo's first birthday.

RIP Franklin Atticus Quinn (FAQ)

Seven months to the day that Cosmo crossed the rainbow bridge, FAQ joined him and Jackson Hareing, McGwire, and Buttons. 

Cosmo and FAQ really were buds. At first, Auntie Kristin was convinced Cosmo was going to kill FAQ either by a heart attack or by eating him. Neither were true. Cosmo, just like with Jackson Hareing, wanted to play. So he enjoyed running after him in the basement, waiting patiently for him to come out the other side of his play tube and into his cage where Cosmo would join him nose-to-nose. Cosmo would immediately run to find FAQ in the morning. If FAQ was not waiting for him, instead choosing to sleep in his cage, Cosmo would try and wake him up by talking to him (whining more like it). FAQ would eventually come out and greet Cosmo (nose-to-nose). 

I imagine they are all sleeping together and chasing each other when they're not. Thank you FAQ for bringing so much joy to Auntie Kristin, Uncle Eugene and Cosmo. 

7 Months

 Yes, he's been gone that long. That was my response today when a co-worker and I were having a conversation and a note came in from my sister about FAQ. FAQ is very sick and could use all good thoughts and prayers to get better. And I said, oh no. Not today. And when I said it's been 7 months since Cosmo passed, she said "has it been that long?" 

It just doesn't get any easier. I think back on this month and it has been a difficult one. I've been challenged professionally and personally. I could have used the comfort of Cosmo. My friend Linda could have used more cuddles during her recovery and, Toulouse and Elise could have used the support of Cosmo too as they worried about their Mom. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it is the genuine love of a fur baby that is more pure than anything else. No judgement. Pure love. I miss that the most. 

Of course, the one question that I'm always asked is not if, but when I'll get another dog. My response is, I don't know if I ever will because I'm not sure if I will ever have the same experience again. I know I could never replace Cosmo, but that doesn't mean I don't want the same attributes from another dog that I found in Cosmo. And that is why I just don't know if I could ever have another fur baby in my life. 

Six Months

I've been digging through some old files lately in an effort to remind myself that I am a capable human being. I ran across a "draft" post for Cosmo's blog.

"Mommy has had a rough few months and it could be argued a rough couple of years. Ever the optimist, she truly believes that anything is possible and that she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to. But along her journey she’s encountered obstacles. Circumstances she couldn’t control. People she trusted who turned out to be people she should have run away from. Made decisions others would regret. To say the summer has been difficult would be a massive understatement.

I’ve spent more time with my Mom in the past 90 days than I have in the nine years I’ve been on this planet. And in that time I’ve gotten to see the side of her many rarely do. She has doubts. She questions her decisions. She asks herself the tough questions. She wonders why those who profess to be acting in her best interest do the exact opposite. Yet through it all – much like when she went through the divorce – she got out of bed every single day. She worked as she always has. But this time, she made time to actually live her life. She spent time with new friends. She spent precious time with dear friends. She tried new things. She spent a summer with her sister (I think they both needed each other’s company regardless of how much they get on each other’s nerves). And above all else, she took care of me. 

We spent the summer connecting in a way we hadn’t in the past nine years. I learned her habits and she learned mine. I didn’t have to spend all of my time right next to her (as I always have) because I knew she was going to stay for a while. She got me new things, comfy things, to help ease my fear of the refrigerator monster. She took me places I’ve never been (I got to see a Deer for the first time in my life) and tried new treats (my favorite being prosciutto).

But in reality, I have been taking care of her. I've been right by her side in the moments of doubt. It's the least I could do for her. She puts all others above herself and her needs. She is a rare gem. She is special .I wouldn't want anyone else by my side in a moment of doubt. Why? Because through all the adversity, she remains confident anything can be done."

Aa I read this "post" I realized I've been trying to manage through all personal and professional challenges I've been confronted with without Cosmo by my side. He was right, he was really taking care of me. He provided stability when I had none. He gave me the confidence when everyone and everything around me was trying to take it from me. He made me feel loved when all I was experiencing was hate. 

I sure wish Cosmo was by my side this month. A challenging one to say the least. May is brain tumor awareness month. Auntie Linda might say she went all out for the month and got herself a brain tumor as a way to keep it light. But in all seriousness, Auntie Linda was diagnosed with a brain tumor this month. She had it removed within a week of her diagnosis (it was the size of a softball). The tumor didn't turn out to be exactly what we thought it would be, but she'll tackle radiation like the bad ass she is. While I know she would have wanted Talulah with her, I'm confident Cosmo has been keeping Talulah company and both are watching over her today to make sure she gets back to herself in no time.

Before: Right; After: Left

Our pets bring us so much joy and I often think it is because they provide the unconditional love we all desire and speak of, but so rarely experience. I sure do miss Cosmo. 

PSA: Don't ignore headaches and fatigue! 

Five Months

 It’s been five months since Cosmo passed. It hasn’t gotten any easier. 

This week, I’ve been spending time at my parents house in Texas. This is the first time we’ve been in the same room for more than 2 years. My sister wanted to drive, so we took 2 days to drive to Texas, stopping to see “odd” or “famous” landmarks along the way. Cosmo used to love taking road trips and sure he would have enjoyed this one.

All I can say is that his Grandma looks at his photos every day and she shared that she misses talking to Cosmo on the phone every day (and he really did talk to her).